Worry and Condemnation in Christ?

Tonight I was at bible study with an amazing group of women who I adore and love. Seriously . .. they are awesome! They are real and flawed and striving, just like me and I love that they are so honest about it. We are supportive of one another and encourage each other to be what God has intended us to be...and to see ourselves for what God has intended; images of Him. Isn't it funny that this is the hardest thing.

Today we were talking about two things that have been on my mind and heart, especially lately with embarking on this "trip of a lifetime" to S. Africa for the second time: Worry and Condemnation.

Worry: As I mentioned briefly in my last post, I have been fearful, afraid of this trip, especially the part about me traveling by myself 10,000 miles away from home. Oh and did I mention that I hate flying, let alone for 20 something hours. I was struggling for awhile with wondering if my "scary" feelings were intuition or the evil one bombarding me with insidious thoughts of doubt and fear, but I realized tonight that this is not intuition. And, mind you, I realized this by talking with these amazing women, some of which went on the trip with me last year. I realized after being fearless enough to say it aloud, that this was doubt seaping in and that if I trusted and believed in, had faith in, God and His plan then it could be nothing else. He has chosen me for this mission. He planted the seed that grew into this trip and He will protect me, if I let Him, from all of those doubtful thoughts and out of control what-if's we all deal with from day to day.

In the book we are reading "All I need is Jesus and a Good Pair of Jeans" by Susanna Foth Aughtmon - - seriously that is the title :) - the author quotes Matthew 6:25-27 - "So I tell you don't worry about everyday life - whether you have enough food, drink, and clothes. Doesn't life consist of more than food and clothing? Look at the birds. They don't need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him then they are. Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not." Hehehe doesn't this make you giddy with joy? It does me....how foolish? None of my worries about flying or this trip will add one single moment to my life...the Lord has all of that laid out and in His plan. I just need to trust and go with it. Peace. :)

Condemnation: Am I worthy enough for the responsibilities and mission God has bestowed upon me? I often wonder and, again, that dirty word, doubt my worthiness for His calling. Have the things I've done in the past condemned me to a life of lonliness, childlessness, husbandlessness, worthlessness? Just when I think I've overcome this obstacle, it rears its ugly head in a new and interesting way. My way of dealing is control, control, control...oh and did I say control? If I am in control (it sounds so funny to write it.) then no one will know that I am insecure in my abilities and doubting my role. Right? But I am reminded when I listened tonight to 8 beautiful, amazing, wonderful, kind-hearted, loving women tell about their self-condemnation that I am not alone. We all struggle with this demon and luckily...no not luckily....blessedly, we have a Savior, who died to take that condemnation away. He is a Savior who says that we are pure as the driven snow....really? And we are saved by His grace - - not deservedly, but because He loves us. That's all. And we are made in His image - whoa! His image. . . even though He knows us (now..in the present), knew us (during the bad times), and already knows what will come - -the pain, the sin, and the awesomeness that we are. He knows. And there is a huge comfort in knowing just that. He knows and He loves us and would die again for us a million times over (if He had to). All I can feel is thankfulness for that gift and. need to remember that in order to keep that gift sacred and special and to be truly thankful, I need to cherish it by striving to see myself in His image everyday. This is the way God wants me to live. This is why I can do anything...even travel 1/2 way across the world...through Him.

2 weeks and counting!

I'm amazed at how fast the time goes by....It feels like a few weeks ago that I had made the decision to make the journey to S. Africa again and now it is almost time for me to board the plane once again. Crazy!

I have a mix of emotions as I embark on this new adventure. . . those that come to my mind instantly are immense gratitude - - to my family and friends for supporting me and always encouraging me to take this step. Excitement and abounding love - - for the people of Cape Town, specifically in Overcome Heights, for the friends I have made there and their tireless efforts on a daily basis to fight overwhelming poverty and disease, and for the things that I will have the privilge to be a part of, to see, to hear and the children and people I will have the opportunity to hold, to love, and to serve. Longing - - to be closer to the Lord, for through our best efforts to do His will and His alone, I believe we are the closest we will ever be to Him. Fear - -Yes, fear....as the time for my trip draws nearer, I feel his presence and his desire to see me fail. The great deceiver rejoices when he can bring my deepest fears about flying and traveling alone to the surface. Humility and thankfulness - - that the Lord is on my side and will not let me fail. :) That He and He alone possesses the strength to make this happen. I find peace and comfort in the knowledge that the Lord is my shepard, my keeper, and my rock. He has the power to arm me against evil and to guide me towards His calling for my life. That keeps me going.

Romans 8:37-39
"No in all these things we are more than conquerers through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I knew that going on this trip would not be easy, but having all of my wonderful family and friends cheering me on still amazes me and helps me to take another step closer to July 13th. :) I can't wait for this year's OCC team to meet me on July 29th. They are awesome! And I feel so blessed to be serving beside them. Each one, I know, was hand-picked my God to be on this team and we are going to rock S. Africa and have a blast doing it!